![\"\"](\"https:\/\/marksaywriter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/The-Noble-Dosser-by-Peter-Howson-727x1024.jpg\")
<\/figure>When I was a kid he would nod and smile, acknowledging that he recognised me. One time a mate said he looked like a dirty old man and I should stay away from him. I knew about dirty old men, had once been approached by one in a park, and could see the Dosser didn\u2019t have the false smile and sinister glint in his eye. And when he saw me alone he never tried to take me out of sight, so I didn\u2019t take it seriously and gave him a \u2018Hullo\u2019 the next time we met. On top of that, I was drawn to any adult man who showed an interest, probably because I didn\u2019t have a dad. Well I had one, but he had disappeared when I was five and nobody seemed to miss him. Even as a kid I understood why, because I could remember he was always shouting \u2013 sometimes at me, more often at Mum \u2013 and ready to put his fist in her face. Mum\u2019s family, neighbours and even Dad\u2019s sister said we were better off when he disappeared, making good on his threat to go find another woman and have another kid. I didn\u2019t miss him, but sometimes I missed having a dad, and was always glad when my uncle or a neighbour took me to watch football, or walk a dog, or just talk to me. It never went that far with the Dosser, but I always appreciated the nod and the smile. <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
I was fourteen that time there seemed to\nbe more to it. It was a summer evening, walking home from the station with Mum\nafter a visit to an aunt, when we saw him on a bench in the street with pie and\nchips and a bottle of Pepsi. He looked up, waited for us to come closer, and\nasked \u201cHow you doing?\u201d I was surprised that he had spoken, especially when I\nrealised the question was directed at Mum. She paused by the bench and said\n\u201cWe\u2019re fine thanks. How about you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m fine. A good feed, and I\u2019ll have a\nroof over my head tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cClose by?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cA few minutes\u2019 walk.\u201d He looked towards\nme. \u201cYou\u2019re shooting up, on your way to being a man.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was stumped for a reply, then managed to\nblurt out my age.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAny girls yet?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I found an awkward smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI wish.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI bet it won\u2019t be long.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He glanced at Mum and I realised there was\nsomething \u2013 a moment with eyes on each other and a faint smile hinting at a\nsecret. Then she took her purse from her bag and removed a five-pound note.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo, you shouldn\u2019t,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDon\u2019t argue,\u201d she said softly. \u201cI know\nyou can use it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He wiped his fingers on the chip paper,\ntook the note and slipped it into his coat pocket.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou\u2019re welcome. We have to get home now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One more smile and we turned away. I was\nsurprised as I had never seen her speak to him before; in fact I had never been\nwith her when I had seen him. So I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDo you know him from somewhere?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSame as everyone knows him. He\u2019s around\nhere a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDo you know his name?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo, but I know the name the people give\nhim.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then she started talking about teatime,\nwhat was on telly that night and why I shouldn\u2019t stay up late. I could tell she\nwas a little flustered and thought again about the way they had looked each\nother.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s what put the idea into my mind,\nthat there had been something between them before I was around, and maybe I was\nthe result of it. Yes, I know Mum was married to Dad, but from what I had heard\nhe was a monster before I was born. Maybe she had found some comfort with\nanother man. I know most people would recoil from thinking that about their own\nmother, but I wouldn\u2019t have blamed her. And the idea of the Noble Dosser being\nmy dad was more attractive than the memory of the one I had known.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
No, I didn\u2019t ask her. A couple of times I\nmentioned our meeting with him, but she brushed it off and I guessed it would\nbe a mistake to ask the question. I could understand, even with Dad long gone,\nwhy she should want to keep it secret. And the Noble Dosser drifted away. I\nmight have seen him once or twice at a distance, but after a while people\nmentioned that he wasn\u2019t around anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\ntwenty-five years, before I saw him again. My father-in-law was in hospital,\ngetting over what proved to be just a scare, and I was beside the bed sharing\ngossip and talking about football. An aunt, uncle and three cousins arrived, so\nI shuffled some chairs and moved to the edge of the group. An aimless glance\ndown the aisle of the ward, and I spotted an old man alone, half upright in his\nbed. I couldn\u2019t help a second look, noticing a square jaw on a worn out but\nfamiliar face. He turned his head, caught my eye and there was a moment of\nrecognition. A lot older and frailer, but it was him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I gave it half a minute of listening then\nsaid I had recognised someone, and walked towards the old man. He saw me\ncoming, smiled and gave me the nod.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHaven\u2019t seen you for a long time,\u201d I\nsaid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI drifted away from your part of town. Now\nI\u2019m here.\u201d His voice was weak, wheezy, but still calm and friendly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I sat beside him. He seemed glad to have a\nvisitor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat are you in here for?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBits and pieces going wrong. Body\u2019s\nfalling apart inside.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry. What are the doctors saying?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNot much, but I know they don\u2019t have much\nhope.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m getting old. It happens.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I placed hands on my knees and leaned\nforwards. I wondered if anyone at all was coming in to see him, felt a flicker\nof pity but guessed it wasn\u2019t what he wanted. He spoke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYour mum still around?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYeah. A few aches and pains but she\u2019s\ndoing OK.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGood woman. I liked her a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI noticed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His eyes went deeper into mine, and I\ncouldn\u2019t help thinking there was something more to that familiarity. I felt the\nold question stirring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHow well did you know her?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He took a couple of quiet breaths and his\nmouth twisted into a smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat has she told you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAbout you? Nothing. But there was once\nwhen the three of us met and I couldn\u2019t help thinking \u2026..\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I got stuck, too awkward to complete the\nquestion. But he seemed to guess, his smile broadened and his breaths grew\nshorter and sharper into a laugh. Now I was embarrassed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt\u2019s alright son. I mean, me and your\nmum, it wasn\u2019t like that. And if you were thinking I might be your \u2026.\u201d He\nlaughed again and took a while to recover his breath. \u201cNo, I\u2019m not.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I looked away for a moment, grateful that\nnobody else could have heard, then fell into a broad smile. I felt daft,\ndisappointed and relieved at the same time. His hand touched mine. It was a\nnice moment. Then he asked about me, and I spent a few minutes telling him\nabout my wife, kids and job, and that I was content with life. He seemed\npleased, but grew tired, looked upwards and his eyes closed. I said I would\nleave him to rest. He looked at me once more and managed a quiet word.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSend my regards to your mother.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI will. What\u2019s your proper name? I never\nknew.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cJust tell her the name everyone used. I\nknow what it was.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then he fell asleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Next day I was with Mum in her kitchen\nwhen I mentioned that I had seen him and that we had spoken. She didn\u2019t answer\nimmediately. Her eyes set as if she was looking inside herself and I guessed\nthat I had touched an emotional nerve. I thought a tear was coming and touched\nher hand. Then she spoke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat exactly did he tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I thought for a moment, feeling as awkward\nwith her as I had with him, then reckoned that now I knew the answer I could\nmention the question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHe put me right on something. There was\none occasion when we were together and ran into him, and I guessed you knew\nhim, and I got a silly idea in my head.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She looked at me as if she guessed what it\nwas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI wondered if he might be \u2026..\u201d Again I\ncouldn\u2019t complete the sentence, but she nodded. \u201cBut he told me he wasn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For a moment I couldn\u2019t tell if had\noffended her. I could go into an explanation about how I could understand when\nshe had been married to my dad; but that might have made it worse. Then her\nexpression softened and she spread her hands on the table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo, your dad was your dad. I had never\nbeen with another man. But I owe something to that man. Maybe both of us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I waited for more, but it didn\u2019t come.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAre you going to tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another short silence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen I\u2019m ready.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I felt frustrated but let it go. A couple\nof days later she told me she had gone to the hospital, asked where he was and\nbeen told he had died during the night. A few days later she asked me to go\nwith her to his funeral, where we paid our respects alongside three old men who\nlooked worn out and skint and a woman from a caf\u00e9 who had kept him fed over the\npast couple of years. When it was over the priest approached us and told Mum\nshe had done something quite admirable, paying for a decent funeral after\nnobody had claimed the body. I had known nothing about it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019ll explain one day,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\nday came after another fifteen years, when she was lying in a hospital bed,\nboth of us knowing that she didn\u2019t have long to go. We were talking between\nlong breaks, in and out of memories as her mind drifted. There had been a pause\nwhen she looked at me and smiled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m so glad we looked after him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWho was that Mum?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat man who helped me. I\u2019m glad we gave\nhim a proper send-off.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI remember. The Noble Dosser.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I returned the smile, with no intention of\nasking the question again. But then she continued.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI never told you what it was about.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t need to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBut you should know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMum \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She shifted her hand onto mine and gave me\na look that told me to listen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYour Dad went mad that night, slapped me\nabout the kitchen and said he was going to kill me. So I hit him in the face\nwith a saucepan, then I ran into the garden and climbed over the fence, where\nit came down into the bushes in the park. But it was already dark and I fell\ninto a hole, and then I was even more scared. But then a man crouched over and\npulled me out and asked me if I was alright. He took me out of bushes where he\nhad left a shovel next to a blanket on the ground, and tried to calm me down.\nThen we realised your dad jumped over the fence. So the man got between us, but\nthen your dad had him on the floor, hitting him hard, then put his hand around\nhis throat and I could see he was going to kill him. So I picked up the shovel\nand hit him on the head. Then he fell over and didn\u2019t get up again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My\nmind was knocked flat. There might have been minute\u2019s silence but it felt like\nan hour. Mum broke it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat man sat me down and got me to drink\nsome brandy from his bottle. Then he asked if I had any children indoors, so I\nsaid I had a little boy, and he told me to go back inside and stay quiet, and\nhelped me climb back over the fence. An hour later he knocked on the front\ndoor, and said he had looked after everything and I should stay quiet and never\ntell anyone about what had happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t sleep that night \u2013 my mind was\nall messed up \u2013 but next morning, early, I walked around to the park and he was\nthere with some other men, all ready for a big pile of soil for a new plants.\nHe saw me and just stood there, in a shallow hole with the shovel at his side.\nI went to walk towards him but he shook his head, and I realised the earth\naround the hole looked freshly dug, and what he had done with the body. Then\nthey started unloading all the fresh soil and he came towards me and said you\nwould probably be waiting for your breakfast. So I went home, and that was\nall.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I didn\u2019t speak, but I ran my hands over\nhers, gave it a gentle squeeze and left it there. A while later she spoke\nagain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry. I hope you don\u2019t \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo Mum. You don\u2019t need to say sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I leaned over and kissed her cheek.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The next day she slipped away for good. That\nwas a year ago and I\u2019m still dealing with it, shuffling through memories,\nfeeling the waves of grief, and the Noble Dosser keeps drifting into my mind. I\nowe him; he made sure that I had a mum.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"