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THEN<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n My father never looked serious, even when he gave me the most serious news in his life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThey say it\u2019s terminal.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn\u2019t answer. There didn\u2019t seem to be anything I could say in response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNot short term,\u201d he added, \u201cbut I\u2019m unlikely to survive another two years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I let it sink in. We had never been close \u2013 he had split with my mother when I was very young \u2013 but he had always been there, or thereabouts, and he was a very rich man who had made sure I had a comfortable life. He smiled. It seemed inappropriate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBut I\u2019m doing something about it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGoing into suspension. I\u2019ve signed the forms. It will happen in about a month.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Again I struggled to respond. I had read and watched reports about suspension \u2013 a sort of cryogenic coma available to people with a lot of money with terminal conditions \u2013 but like most people I hadn\u2019t worked out if it was a good or bad thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIs it safe?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSafer than hanging around to die within the next two years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow long will it last?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cUntil they find a cure and can bring me back. Or two hundred years, whichever comes first.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAnd what will you do if they bring you back?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cExactly what I\u2019ve done for the past fifty-four years, make the most of life, whatever it involves when I come back.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n His smile broadened. He could pass for ten years younger, thanks to weekly facial massages and some very expensive dental work, and he had a knack of making his enthusiasm for anything contagious. But at that moment I wasn\u2019t sharing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThis is weird.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI know, not exactly the normal run of life, but it\u2019s progress. The wonders of modern science. I know it\u2019s only available for a tiny number of us, but I\u2019m one of the lucky few, so why not take advantage? It\u2019s a big adventure.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I stayed quiet for a moment. He took my hand, gave it a gentle squeeze and kept smiling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry,\u201d he said. \u201cYou\u2019ll be well provided for. I\u2019ve made rock solid financial arrangements that will keep you comfortable for life; and if you have any kids it will give them a good start. It\u2019s the same for your mother.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDoes she know?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m going to tell her tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He held the smile, a mighty effort at reassurance, but an awkward thought popped into my head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat if they bring you back after I\u2019ve gone?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n There was a momentary twitch, a vague hint of discomfort, but he quickly recovered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat\u2019s one of the outside possibilities. The way medical science is going they should have a cure for me within five, ten years. You\u2019ll be middle aged. We\u2019ll have plenty more time together.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Really?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAnother thing,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019d like you to be there at the moment they put me to sleep. It\u2019s an emotional thing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n That was another surprise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMe?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOf course. You\u2019re my oldest, and the closest.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now I felt a little confused. I had never considered us to be close, but I suddenly realised that, after his three broken marriages and five kids, it would be me he felt closest to. <\/em>It was the first time I had ever felt he needed me. I agreed to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n NOW<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel it won\u2019t be long. My mind still works but I\u2019m shrinking, my skin is growing thinner, limbs are weakening and my bowels are restless. I\u2019ve lost the energy to read and although they turn on the TV in the evening I\u2019m losing interest. The carers are professionally kind and, while I have no children and my wife and siblings are all gone, I still receive occasional visits from nephews and nieces, with smiles and chatter for me to enjoy for a short while. But I tire easily and I\u2019m sleeping more. It might be weeks or months but I\u2019m not expecting another birthday.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Marcelle enters the room, takes my pulse and ensures I drink some water. She\u2019s the senior carer, a personal employee and working for me long enough to be a friend. I notice a hint of anxiety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat\u2019s got to you?\u201d I ask. \u201cStill fretting about that football team you support?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n She smiles, then sits in the chair facing mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t know how you\u2019ll take this,\u201d she says. \u201cI told you a few months ago that the government had decided to bring those people out of their suspensions.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It had fallen from my mind but immediately came back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI remember, and they expected most wouldn\u2019t survive. It hasn\u2019t worked very well.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cA few have come back. One of them\u2019s your father.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHe\u2019s alive?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n She nods. My mind struggles to grasp what it means. It had been more than sixty years, and at least forty since I had written him off as a casualty of the fragile science and politicians\u2019 battles over the ethics of bringing them back. Most of the first few revived had quickly died, the arguments flared up again and continued for decades. They never told me he would die, but I didn\u2019t expect him to live again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDo you know how he is?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI understand he\u2019s doing OK. He wants to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n She doesn\u2019t press me for a response, but holds my hand in an understanding silence, allowing emotions to settle. I feel a vague fear, but remember the comfortable life that he gave me and agree to see him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He arrives the following day, looking much the same as I remember him; a little thinner and paler but with same self-confident smile and in a sharp blue blazer and black shirt and trousers. He says \u2018Hullo son\u2019 then stops and stares, realising the absurdity of what he has just said. I reply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat\u2019s weird, given the way you look and the way I look.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He recovers the smile, with a visible effort, and speaks quietly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow do you feel? I heard you haven\u2019t been good.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat do you expect? You haven\u2019t seen me for over sixty years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou\u2019re right. I didn\u2019t think it would be that long.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDo you know what\u2019s happened? All the others who died and all the legal rows?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019ve been told. I suppose nobody expected all that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was nonsense. The rows had begun before he went into suspension and there had been plenty of warnings, ignored by the corporations and a compliant government, that it wouldn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat about you?\u201d I asked. \u201cI know they developed a cure a long time ago.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat\u2019s right. I\u2019m going in for the treatment the day after tomorrow. I\u2019ll be recuperating for a while, then we can spend some time together.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou had better recuperate quickly, because I don\u2019t have long.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He forces his smile a little wider.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe\u2019ll see.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n We talk for a few minutes more: I tell him about the lives of my mother, brother and sister and what I know of his other wives and children, but it soon wears me out. He squeezes my hand and says he\u2019ll be back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m little changed when he returns. I notice that he has put on some weight, the colour has returned to his face and he moves more easily. It seems he\u2019s a fit man in his fifties again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSo it worked?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt worked,\u201d he says. \u201cThey reckon I\u2019ve got another thirty, forty, fifty years. They tell me a lot of people are living past a hundred these days.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cTrue, although I think quite a few wonder if there\u2019s a point to it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNot you I hope.\u201d He gives my hand a gentle squeeze and smiles again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBe serious.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s a twist in his smile, a moment of embarrassment, then I push it away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSo what are your plans? I suppose you\u2019ll be getting laid as soon as you can.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It gives him an excuse for a quiet laugh, then to remove his hand from mine and sit beside the bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019ll have some nights out, see what happens.\u201d He has the money to ensure something will happen. \u201cBut I\u2019ve been looking into my business holdings. Most have done well while I\u2019ve been away, but some could do better, and a few have died out.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019ve been watching. You had some good people working for you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI know, but I want to be active again. I\u2019ll take some time to grasp details then get stuck in.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s a different world.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI know, but I\u2019ve always been adaptable. I\u2019ll make it work.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s true; it\u2019s a big part of his talent for making money. I want to say something else, can\u2019t think what, close my eyes, and when I awake he\u2019s gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A couple more visits. He talks about the business, what he thinks of the new world he\u2019s woken up to, where there could be new opportunities to make new piles of money. I suspect that he really is capable of doing it all over again. I ask about his nights out, how much fun he\u2019s having. He acknowledges that he\u2019s been enjoying himself but glosses over details. It\u2019s the same when I ask how he\u2019s feeling physically. He\u2019s clearly in good shape but seems reluctant to say it openly. It would emphasise that big freak of nature between us: my father is much younger than me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meanwhile I\u2019m growing weaker, feeling sustained shots of pain. I can\u2019t walk any more, eating and drinking is an effort and any conversation tires me out within minutes. I\u2019ve still got control of my bowels but once that goes I don\u2019t want to stay here any longer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now it won\u2019t be long. My breathing is laboured, a tube is inserted into my arm and the pains are spread more widely and last longer. I\u2019ve asked for assistance in passing away but they say I still haven\u2019t reached the threshold to qualify. I guess I\u2019ll have reached it five minutes after I die. They tell me my father is coming to see me again. It\u2019s late before he appears; the window blinds have been drawn, the lights dimmed and I hope he doesn\u2019t expect to stay for long. I don\u2019t have the energy for a conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I notice that he is dressed differently, no blazer but a black bomber jacket, T-shirt and chinos. He\u2019s accompanied by a nurse who looks at me, checks the monitors beside my bed and tells him to keep it to a few minutes. He responds with a gentle smile, says \u201cThat\u2019s all we\u2019ll need\u201d, and as she leaves the room pushes the door so it is slightly ajar. Then he slips off his shoes and sits on the bed beside me. He holds the smile, but there\u2019s a heavy sadness behind it. I\u2019ve never seen it in him before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cExhausted.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019ve heard that you\u2019ve asked for an ending.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI have. They\u2019ve said not yet. I\u2019m feeling impatient.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI can imagine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou\u2019re not going to cheer me up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m not going to lie. You look terrible.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It makes me laugh, and that wears me out more. There are moments of silence, then he speaks again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHave you enjoyed your life?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOverall, yes. It helped that you left me with a lot of money.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell you\u2019re my son.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo-one would guess.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n His smile broadens for a moment, then disappears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThis weird,\u201d I say. \u201cI know some people watch their children die, but not like this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He looks away from me. I can\u2019t see his face, but he lifts his spare hand to his cheek, as if wiping away a tear. That\u2019s another first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMore than weird,\u201d he says. \u201cUnnatural. Wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m surprised.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDon\u2019t think that. You did what seemed right at the time. And everybody thought you\u2019d be back much earlier, before my age had caught up with yours.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell, I \u2026..\u201d He trails off. I think to myself that nobody has had a conversation like this before, and it\u2019s hard to find the right words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He stands, walks around the bed then slips a hand under my back and eases me to one side. Then he goes back to the other and sits on the bed with his feet up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf a nurse comes in you\u2019ll be in the shit.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt won\u2019t matter.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He takes my hand again and we sit in silence for a couple of minutes. Then he quietly asks a question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAre you ready to go?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOf course.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI can help.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t reply, but turn my head to see him remove something from the pocket of his jacket. It\u2019s a small metallic tumbler, the type that comes with a hip flask, and a vial of clear liquid. I realise it\u2019s for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThis will get you into trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo it won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYour money won\u2019t protect you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo need for that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He releases my hand and takes the tumbler, and it\u2019s only then that I realise he has two of them and two vials. I realise what he\u2019s doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDon\u2019t tell me the other one\u2019s for you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s what I want.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I struggle for a moment, then find the words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo. You don\u2019t have to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cPlease son. I want to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBecause I\u2019ve been thinking, and I don\u2019t want to be here once you\u2019ve gone. And doing it like this I can make it easier for both of us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou could have another life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t want one. I had a very good life and that was enough. I should have thought about it more, that I might have come back to this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He turns towards me. There\u2019s a tear on his cheek and the smile is still there, but now the sadness is gone. He looks happy. Suddenly, I feel better; not physically, but in my soul. I manage to move my hand to touch his.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf you\u2019re sure.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m sure.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He moves his face towards mine and places a gentle kiss on my cheek. Then he takes one of the tumblers, opens a vial to fill it with liquid and places it on the cabinet by the bed; then the other, and moves it carefully towards my lips.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt works quickly,\u201d he says. \u201cA minute or so.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I drink the liquid, just a couple of sips but hopefully enough to take me away. Then I watch as he takes the other tumbler and without hesitation drinks, before placing both back on the cabinet top.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He slides downwards to lay beside me, lifts an arm over my head and pulls me gently towards him. My forehead rests against his cheek, I hear him breathe and catch the scent of his body.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I close my eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We breathe in time with each other, becoming slower and quieter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then together we fade away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n